What to Do When the Grandparents are Spoiling Your Kids?
Whether it’s an extra glass of chocolate milk or extravagant gift-giving, the decision of how and when to set boundaries with the grandparents is complicated.
Moms Talk is a weekly feature on all Lehigh Valley Patches in which local parents, caregivers and other members of the community are invited to share opinions and advice on parenting issues.
This week’s Moms Talk topic relates to setting boundaries with the grandparents:
Of course they mean well. They love your kids with every fiber of their beings and they would never do anything to intentionally hurt them. Period. They truly believe that letting the kids watch TV for hours on end really isn’t a big deal. And, on one level it isn’t. But, then there’s the inevitable deprogramming that needs to happen following a particularly indulgent visit. Clearly, setting boundaries with the grandparents is a delicate proposition, to say the least, and one in which picking your battles is always wise. But, nonetheless, it’s a battle that every parent has to face at one time or another.
Now, we want to hear from you: When it does come time to draw that line in the sand, what are your tips for dealing with grandparents who are spoiling your kids?
Our Moms Council members include:
- Lisa Amey of Upper Milford Township is a stay-at-home mom to an 8-year-old boy and a 5-year-old girl. A past president of the MOMS Club of Emmaus and longtime member of MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers), Lisa is an Independent Consultant for Arbonne International.
- Lisa Drew of Emmaus is a certified nutritionist and personal trainer, wellness and fitness coach with more than 17 years of experience. She is the mother of a 13-year-old girl and a 9-year-old boy.
- Jennifer Elston of Emmaus has almost two decades of professional experience in child development and counseling. She is currently a stay-at-home mom to two beautiful girls. Together with her husband, Chris, she owns Christopher Elston Photography.
- Jeanne Lombardo of Nazareth is the mother of a 10-year-old boy and a 5-year-old girl. She’s new to the Lehigh Valley, having moved to Nazareth from Bergen County, NJ in January.
- Lisa Merk of Lower Macungie is a stay-at-home mother of four boys – a 12-year-old and 6-year-old triplets. Lisa is a past president of the MOMS Club of Lower Macungie East. In her “spare” time, Lisa teaches piano to school-age children.
- Megan Patruno of Allentown is a mother of three – an 11-year-old boy, an 8-year-old girl and a 6-year-old boy. Megan also works as an admission counselor at Muhlenberg College in Allentown.
- Zoila Bonilla Paul of Bethlehem is a stay-at-home mom to two girls – a 5-year-old and a 14-month-old. Zoila is a member of her local “moms’ club” and says she is “well-versed in the fun that children can bring.”
- Beth Sharpless of Emmaus works part time in a local emergency department as a nurse and part time from home as a customer support specialist. She has two children -- a boy who is almost 2 and a 5-year-old girl. She says they love spending time outdoors and dancing.
If you would like to become a part of the Moms Council and/or have ideas for future Moms Talk questions, please email jennifer.marangos@patch.com.
Lisa Merk
6:45 pm on Sunday, November 6, 2011
I have had to have this uncomfortable conversation with my parents and in the end I am really glad I did. They helped me tremendously when the trio was born and spent ALOT of time with my oldest - whom got anything and everything he wanted from them. I just let them know that it was to much and they need to respect my wishes with certain things and that I was the parent. While the weren't completly compliant with everything - they after all are still grandparents - they did tone it down and did overall respect my wishes. I think if you approach it with delicate nature and make your wishes known your voice will be heard.
Salisbury Resident
7:35 am on Monday, November 7, 2011
Allow them. I lost my last grandparent at age 13. My children have 2 remaining. They are precious. The spoiling is harmless in the long run from this wonderful part of the family.
Chris Miller
8:07 am on Monday, November 7, 2011
Salisbury Resident thank you. As a proud parent of a hard working son, grandparent of two beautiful and wonderful granddaughters and two grandsons as well as a great grandson who at almost two sees the world as his and a beautiful blue eyed great granddaughter I say let us alone. How can you tell a grandparent and great grandparent that they should not spoil the kids. That is one of the reasons the good Lord created us. Parents, wait your time to spoil is coming soon. You will love it.
Beth
8:38 am on Monday, November 7, 2011
Our children's grandparents don't get to see their grandchildren very often, so we are O.K. with them spoiling the kids. We have never had an issue with them expecting the same at home after being with the grandparents. I can see, however it being an issue if there was more time spent with them. I am sure it is difficult to have that discussion. I know though, that the grandparents love to do as much as they can for the kids and the kids have a special relationship with them. We consider ourselves and our kids very lucky to have such kind and loving parents and grandparents.
Jim Kahle
8:43 am on Monday, November 7, 2011
"The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy..." Sam Levenson
(grin)
Jonathan Gerard
9:06 am on Monday, November 7, 2011
The comments above are right on target with respect to Grandparents. Grandparents can't "spoil" a grandchild. Only parents can. Grandparents make memories for their grandchildren. That means doing things that are different than parents. It cannot hurt a child to be indulged by a grandparent. Children have the ability to distinguish their parents' rules and boundaries from those of others.
On the other hand, grandparents must never undermine the parents' authority in a family. This will harm the children. The proper role for grandparents in a family hierarchy is as "advisor" to parents. And they should only exercise that advice-giving role when the advice is asked for.
Lisa Amey
9:09 am on Monday, November 7, 2011
My kids have only one grandparent still alive (my father), and he is in Florida six months of the year. I am thankful that we get to spend lots of time with him in the summers. Small things from him are so meaningful for the kids, and I welcome it. Simple things like a couple pieces of candy in a dish for the kids to help themselves, a trip to the ice cream shop, or a small trinket gift from the dollar store. The kids are just so excited to see him, that they really could care less if he has gifts or not for them. I often wish my kids had two full sets of grandparents to have that special relationship that only they can give.
Mary Anne Looby
10:14 am on Monday, November 7, 2011
My kids no longer have grandparents, but I don't think they were spoiled by them. They did things for them and with them that created the memories of kind and loving Grandparents. I hope that if I ever get the chance that I will be the same way.
Terri Simpson
11:03 am on Monday, November 7, 2011
I wish I still had my Grandmother she loved me very much. She is my guardian angel that I know is with me. I lost mine at a very young age so if you have them embrace and let your children be spoiled and they will thank you for the happy memories.
Tracey Frederick Hartley
11:28 am on Monday, November 7, 2011
Life's too short to worry about grandparents spoiling your kids...just be thankful that they have grandparents who are alive and who they can spend time with!
Jennifer Elston
8:53 pm on Tuesday, November 8, 2011
My children are lucky enough to have 6 grandparents who care deeply for them. Some are near and some are far. The ones who are near are very involved in their lives, and I am so thankful for that. I do spend a significant amount of time deprogramming the kids once they leave an extended stay with the g.parents, however I have always felt that the benefits of g.parent relationships outweigh the disadvantage we gain in reprogramming the children. I do get frustrated when the kids are overindulged, but I would rather them be cherished than neglected.